Dixon, California - Irwin Singer is your typical 45 year old man, with one exception. He is California's Monkey Man. Standing at 5 feet, 10 inches, Singer has all the features of an ape, including marble-like eyes and long coarse fur. Just a few weeks before, Singer was a regular human, with a good job and a bright future. Concerned with his ever growing bald spot, Singer discovered a small store in Chinatown which had herbal medicines dating back thousands of years. He asked Wing Hop Ling, the storeowner, if there was a cure for baldness, and was astonished to find out that chinese men had been using one for years. However, he was cautioned about the effects of taking too many pills too long. Singer left the store determined to become the handsome man he was when he had a full head of hair.

That's when Singer's troubles began. He took twice the recommended dose and when hair didn't immediately appear, he increased it to 4 times the level indicated on the bottle.

One morning he awoke and went to the bathroom, only to find that the reflection in the mirror was that of a monkey - and an ugly one at that. He sought medical help, but was unable to get any treatment for the affliction. Even the pill merchant had no cure for this monkey disease. 

Although Singer still goes to work regularly, he encounters problems day after day. "Co-workers always tease me...they call me ape-face and gorilla breath. I don't know how much longer I can take this" says Singer. He points out that even his wife no longer wants to be near him. Mrs. Singer had this to say - " Would you kiss a monkey on the lips ? Even his tongue is full of hair. And look at those eyes...Disgusting. I can't even take him grocery shopping. He's always around the banana section and cries when we have to leave ".

Singer's brother has thought as well. He claims that ever since Singer took the pills, he's refused to sleep in his own bed. Rather, he climbs up the old birch tree in the backyard and spends the night there. " I also noticed that he is losing the ability to talk. He yells, just like a regular monkey. The sounds he makes causes my skin to crawl" says Singer's brother. The Singer family has spent $6000 building a swing set and a professional Jungle Jim play unit to keep the monkey-man happy.

Singer himself didn't have much to say, except that he is now less concerned about his future at his place of work. He pointed out that the firm he works for is considering firing him." If they fire me, I'll be ok. I'll make movies and become famous and rich...Look at the old Tarzan movies...he had a monkey friend named Cheetah....and that stupid ape couldn't even talk !..".

The Mudpile will keep you informed of future developments in the Monkey-Man Saga.

Above: Irwin Singer took one pill too much
and turned into hairy freak.

"I tried to tell him...those pills are really strong. Once you abuse them, you can't turn back...."

                                Wing Hop Ling
                                          Chinatown merchant
                                                                                                  

"I loved when he was bald. Now I can't kiss him without feeling that I'm touching lips with an ape. "

                                        Mary Singer
                           Wife

" His appetite for bananas proves that he's turning into a monkey - I can't buy enough of them for Irwin."

                                          Kenny Singer
                                Brother

                               
"If he comes near the zoo one more time, and disturbs Zelda the Gorilla, I'll shoot him !!"

                                         Abe Gordon
                                      Zookeeper